From December , 2016…

After recently attending a Jodeci concert, I was left with a longing for REAL music.  You know the kind that takes you back to your own life experiences.  Some were good and some were not so good but they added depth to your life.  The songs make you smile, laugh, and cry all at once.  You learned the lyrics (or your adaptation) because you spent hours upon hours feeling the songs.  See, this type of music had its own character, it became a part of you, your story, your evolution.

These days it is difficult to find anything on the radio that has meaning or character.  Long gone are the days of talent being required to step into the studio.  With the current trends, all an artist has to do is look the part.

What do I mean by look the part?  I am glad that you asked…looking the part consist of whatever fad that is currently in rotation.  The problem with these look-a likes is that they do not give us quality music.  Instead we end up with catchy tunes that we only remember because the radio plays the same songs every 15 minutes.

Examples?  I am glad that you asked…this one singer/rapper.  Now before you send your killers after me follow me for a moment.  While I believe that many of his lyrics are…hmmmm…well…they…who am I kidding, I cannot tell a lie.  ALL of his songs sound exactly alike to my ears.  “He’s flying somewhere with his homies to pick up strippers. Oh and he started from humble beginnings.”  Now to his credit, I have been advised to listen to his music that does not play on the radio.  Well of course I still have not heard this music that they speak of because nothing on the radio has made me want to take a closer look.  My question is this…if he has better music, why don’t I hear this music on the radio????  Because good content is no longer a desired, duh!!!

Music is being offered to us like .01 candy at a parade.  It is a cheap alternative to the real deal.  I want that ole thang back 😦

Well…16 x 2 + 5 and Pregnant 🙂

I really wanted to document my second journey to motherhood but honestly, I was just too tired. I was tired no matter how much I slept and there seemed to be no solution.  When I asked the doctors about the fatigue, they attributed it to my age BUT oh imagine this, I was ANEMIC and it was 1,000 degrees outside!!! (I live in the Sunshine State, duh)…

Welcome to “Advanced Maternal Age (AMA), or Pregnancy at Age 35 or Older”.  Although, per my doctor, I was a healthy 37-year-old, they never missed an opportunity to remind me of my age and what my age could mean for my pregnancy. It was almost as though they were surprised that each visit, I continued to “do well”…Thankfully, by the grace of God, I had a very healthy pregnancy.

Back to this AMA…I was referred to a high risk pregnancy doctor, “due to my age” and was required to see this doctor until I was “released”.  In other words, I’m old and I need monitoring because I’m old and pregnant lol. Sounds like my pregnancy had me doing time, right?

Although, it may sound like complaining, I am actually very grateful for the extra doctor visits and extra chances to see my baby girl developing in the womb.  My doctors were great and I know that they wanted to protect me and the little Princess to the best of their abilities.

Now, as far as my pregnancy went, I am now completely convinced of my theory that if your pregnancy is rough, your labor will be a walk in the park and in the inverse, if your pregnancy is smooth, labor will kick your butt. I have never experienced pain like that in my life and the little Princess was smaller than the little Prince.

Thinking back to 1998-1999, in my first trimester that I told my mother if this is what pregnancy was like, she did not have to worry about me getting pregnant again.  I was so sick, I thought I would whither away.  Fast forward to labor, the little Prince cried into the world after around 5 1/2 hours of actual labor, before my doctor could even return to the hospital to deliver him.

Now, his sister on the other hand, while I did experience morning sickness, I could usually pull myself together and make it through the day.  Fast forward to her labor,  induction began on Tuesday and she was born on Thursday and that’s all I’ll say about that. (in my Forest Gump voice lol)

So here’s the silver lining…I have two healthy babies. One is a man-child and the other is a newborn.  So far I have loved going through the newborn phase again but I will not lie and say that I do not appreciate the independent phase that my son is in.

In the end, it wasn’t so bad being 16 x 2 + 5 and Pregnant. This phase (as others lol ) is going to be an adventure and I welcome you along for the ride!!!

Picture it…Cape Canaveral, Florida, October 17, 2016…

This is a day that I will never forget because on this day, I cried. It’s not like I shed a few tears to wipe away the pain, I sobbed for hours, uncontrollably.  I wailed, my body shook, I snorted, and had to use my albuterol inhaler to catch my breath.  I think this picture is vivid now…

The truth is that I have shed tears before.  Crying is something that I actually feel is normal and healthy. BUT…on this day, I cried like never before.

You see this day was a day that I had planned for weeks in advance.  This day was supposed to be special and in the blink of an eye, the day was completely off schedule and out of my control.

The next day, as I reflected on the events that transpired on October 17, 2016, I could not understand why I cried so much.  I replayed every moment over and over in my head, trying to figure out why I was so hurt and why I could not stop crying. I have had disappointments, I have been hurt, and I have experienced loss but these tears were different.

Then suddenly I realized, this cry was a culmination of many events.  None of which happened on October 17, 2016.

I cried because of years of pain and frustration over things that I felt I had long mourned. These tears had been building up for over a decade and on this day, they all came flooding out.

I cried because I planned out my life when I was 8 and nothing turned out the way I planned.

I cried because I feel my career hasn’t begun.

I cried because my son’s father was chased down and murdered like an animal and I can’t take the pain away from my son.

I cried because I couldn’t answer my son when he asked why did the man have to kill his father.

I cried because I’ve made so many sacrifices in life.

I cried for every disappointment that I had to regroup from.

I cried for every dream delayed.

I cried because at that moment, I realized that I’ve held “it” together for so long.

It was painful, it was agonizing, it was NECESSARY and REFRESHING!!!

Those tears freed me in a way that I did not know that I needed and in that moment the weight of the world fell from my shoulders.