Nowadays, you see post after post about healing and trusting the process but you rarely see a post about what the process looks like.

See the thing is when you truly want to unpack your baggage and address the root cause(s) of your challenges, you must dig through layers of memories and raw emotions.

For example, you may think that a break up in 1992 caused your trust issues but in actuality, your fear of abandonment started at age 6 when your mother or father walked out of your life.

Think of life as a series of short stories that make up one book. Within the chapters of your book (life), there are pages that you have forgotten about or completely rewritten as a defense mechanism.

So, when you are on your healing journey, these omitted and/or revised pages come back and shake you to your core.

There will be days filled with tears and others filled with laughter. But there will also be utter disgust on occasion and a general disdain for folks that are not healed or working on their own journey.

This is the real awakening, realizing that you are more complex than you thought and that your inner child still cries out at times.

So I said all of that to say this, BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF. You are in a space and place that you have never experienced before and you must treat yourself with love and kindness. Your future generations are depending on your healing.

Chorus for Today: I am not the things my family did. I am not the voices in my head. I am not the pieces of the brokenness inside. I am light. I am light. I am light, I am light.

Transparent Thursday Post:

For those that know me, y’all know that “I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my ish”. I’m a perfectionist and I will study long and hard so that I get things right, the first time.

Well…one of my favorite desserts is the French Macaron. Being a baker, I make it my business to master my favorites so that I’m not forced to purchase the desserts from others all the time. While all recipes are precise, this recipe is delicate and precise AND you need EXTRA patience because it calls for you to take everything that you would normally do a step further.

So…I finally worked up the nerve to attempt to make French Macarons for the first time AND I BOMBED!!! Well…it was one of those things like,  they taste good but they don’t look right!🤣🤣🤣

I’m laughing now but I dropped a few tears because when I captured the picture, I immediately knew that I messed up.

Moral of the story: never be afraid to go after the things that make your heart smile. Although we learned at a very young age, if at first you don’t succeed, try again, as we grow up we don’t extend ourselves much grace. We become accustomed to perfecting and miss the joy of the experience.

So tonight as you wind down, make plans to go after those things that you’ve put off due to fear. Start formulating your plan and attack that goal with every thing in you. 🦋😘🦋😘🦋😘

Are you being specific with your request for God?

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I recently had an epiphany…many years ago, I was a side chick.  Now, I know the realization sounds a little shocking.  You may be asking questions like; how could you not know that you were a side chick?  Well, the answer is that I did not care enough at the time to think about it.

How does that happen???  Kinda like this…I was focused.  Focused on what I wanted. I was the boss of me.  He was a welcomed distraction but not enough of a distraction for me to realize all the moments he was an afterthought or a fill-in-the blank.  Now I am not giving him a pass and I do not promote cheating.  What I am saying is that I totally missed the process of changing from the object of his affection to the second place chick.

The story went something like this…we met under somewhat strange circumstances and we became almost inseparable.  In the beginning we talked all day, everyday, even while we were at work(shout out to Bluetooth technology) and then we talked until we went to sleep at night.  We also saw each other several times a week, at different time intervals.

At some point, I guess he grew tired of my unavailability/unwillingness to be who he needed and began to fill-in-the blank.  To be honest, I am certain that she was in the picture all along and I was quite possibly the fill-in-the blank BUT this is a tale about balance, not resolving the question of why he had the desire for two women.

So, back to my point…One night while we were together, he excused himself to answer a call.  He did not walk away or try to hide the fact that a female was calling.  When he hung up, I told him that was disrespectful or something to that effect.  He clearly responded that “if I was on my job, he would not be answering the phone.”

After this incident, I began to pull away from him and seek I wanted in my life(remember I am the boss of me).  I remember him questioning me about the distance and of course my answer was that I was busy.  Eventually, I told him that I started a new relationship and he confessed that he realized that he was in love with me.  The problem was that we had both run out of time.  There was nothing that he could say to repair our situationship, I did not trust him anymore. The good news is that we both went on to live our happily ever after eventually.

You see in life we put so many things before ourselves and our relationships all under the goal of looking out for ourselves( see how that does not add up).  Often times we think that we can push things to the side while we work our plan but we cannot control time nor add time when it is lost.  In order to achieve what we really want and need in life, we must find balance.  We have to be wives to OUR husbands, mothers to our children, girlfriends to OUR boyfriends, a friend to our friends and fulfill our positions at work,  all at the same time. All these roles require our attention and a certain level of devotion.  I believe that this is achieved when we prioritize our roles.  Ask yourself what is really important and adjust accordingly.

From December , 2016…

After recently attending a Jodeci concert, I was left with a longing for REAL music.  You know the kind that takes you back to your own life experiences.  Some were good and some were not so good but they added depth to your life.  The songs make you smile, laugh, and cry all at once.  You learned the lyrics (or your adaptation) because you spent hours upon hours feeling the songs.  See, this type of music had its own character, it became a part of you, your story, your evolution.

These days it is difficult to find anything on the radio that has meaning or character.  Long gone are the days of talent being required to step into the studio.  With the current trends, all an artist has to do is look the part.

What do I mean by look the part?  I am glad that you asked…looking the part consist of whatever fad that is currently in rotation.  The problem with these look-a likes is that they do not give us quality music.  Instead we end up with catchy tunes that we only remember because the radio plays the same songs every 15 minutes.

Examples?  I am glad that you asked…this one singer/rapper.  Now before you send your killers after me follow me for a moment.  While I believe that many of his lyrics are…hmmmm…well…they…who am I kidding, I cannot tell a lie.  ALL of his songs sound exactly alike to my ears.  “He’s flying somewhere with his homies to pick up strippers. Oh and he started from humble beginnings.”  Now to his credit, I have been advised to listen to his music that does not play on the radio.  Well of course I still have not heard this music that they speak of because nothing on the radio has made me want to take a closer look.  My question is this…if he has better music, why don’t I hear this music on the radio????  Because good content is no longer a desired, duh!!!

Music is being offered to us like .01 candy at a parade.  It is a cheap alternative to the real deal.  I want that ole thang back 😦

Well…16 x 2 + 5 and Pregnant 🙂

I really wanted to document my second journey to motherhood but honestly, I was just too tired. I was tired no matter how much I slept and there seemed to be no solution.  When I asked the doctors about the fatigue, they attributed it to my age BUT oh imagine this, I was ANEMIC and it was 1,000 degrees outside!!! (I live in the Sunshine State, duh)…

Welcome to “Advanced Maternal Age (AMA), or Pregnancy at Age 35 or Older”.  Although, per my doctor, I was a healthy 37-year-old, they never missed an opportunity to remind me of my age and what my age could mean for my pregnancy. It was almost as though they were surprised that each visit, I continued to “do well”…Thankfully, by the grace of God, I had a very healthy pregnancy.

Back to this AMA…I was referred to a high risk pregnancy doctor, “due to my age” and was required to see this doctor until I was “released”.  In other words, I’m old and I need monitoring because I’m old and pregnant lol. Sounds like my pregnancy had me doing time, right?

Although, it may sound like complaining, I am actually very grateful for the extra doctor visits and extra chances to see my baby girl developing in the womb.  My doctors were great and I know that they wanted to protect me and the little Princess to the best of their abilities.

Now, as far as my pregnancy went, I am now completely convinced of my theory that if your pregnancy is rough, your labor will be a walk in the park and in the inverse, if your pregnancy is smooth, labor will kick your butt. I have never experienced pain like that in my life and the little Princess was smaller than the little Prince.

Thinking back to 1998-1999, in my first trimester that I told my mother if this is what pregnancy was like, she did not have to worry about me getting pregnant again.  I was so sick, I thought I would whither away.  Fast forward to labor, the little Prince cried into the world after around 5 1/2 hours of actual labor, before my doctor could even return to the hospital to deliver him.

Now, his sister on the other hand, while I did experience morning sickness, I could usually pull myself together and make it through the day.  Fast forward to her labor,  induction began on Tuesday and she was born on Thursday and that’s all I’ll say about that. (in my Forest Gump voice lol)

So here’s the silver lining…I have two healthy babies. One is a man-child and the other is a newborn.  So far I have loved going through the newborn phase again but I will not lie and say that I do not appreciate the independent phase that my son is in.

In the end, it wasn’t so bad being 16 x 2 + 5 and Pregnant. This phase (as others lol ) is going to be an adventure and I welcome you along for the ride!!!