Pain is something that we will all experience in life. No one is immune. While we generally believe that certain characteristics or actions of another are the source of our pain, the truth is, most times the pain is self-inflicted (I’ll save this for another post).

Now, the trouble with attributing your pain to the characteristics or actions of others is that you begin to believe that if you remove the person and every person that you meet with the same characteristics or behavior, the pain will end. Sadly, this solution does not deal with the underlying cause of the pain nor its lingering effects, it will only give you temporary relief and you could end up pushing the wrong people out of your life.

I learned this lesson the hard way (as many of us do). I confused the grief that I felt when that person was around with what I was actually grieving. It was not their presence that caused me grief, it was something inside of them that forced me to walk in my truth. Something in them would not allow me to hide behind the mask I wore. Their presence literally forced me to deal with me.

As you grow through life, search for the root issues. If you only look at the surface, you will stunt the process.

Remember, people come into your life for numerous reasons, allow people to do what they must and then let them go on their way.

Are you being specific with your request for God?

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Like many of you, I tuned in to watch the Bobby Brown Story, for many different reasons (I have not read

his book).  First and foremost, I wanted to see Bobby Brown’s life through the eyes of Bobby Brown.  I have read articles and seen stories told from the perspective of an onlooker BUT nothing beats a first hand account of a story.

Listen…by the end of day 2, I saw a piece of all of our lives in Uncle Bobby’s story.  I saw a life full of highs and lows.  I saw heartache, pain, and a man that has had to pick up the pieces and start over again and again. I saw someone that has loved and lost.  Someone that was full of life and wanted to enjoy every moment.

If you watched the series and picked through to determine which parts you choose to believe then you wasted your time.  We all go through trials and tribulations so that we can help others to see that there is victory on the other side.  Each part of the story built upon and expanded to another area of his life.  In the end, he is the sum total of every experience and a work in progress, still striving to get better.

I am grateful that Uncle Bobby brought HIStory to television and gave the world deeper insight into his life.  The story is told from HIS prospective and the wonderful thing about you telling your story is that no one gets to tell you what happened to you.

Be courageous enough to tell YOUR story.  The world is waiting.

I recently had an epiphany…many years ago, I was a side chick.  Now, I know the realization sounds a little shocking.  You may be asking questions like; how could you not know that you were a side chick?  Well, the answer is that I did not care enough at the time to think about it.

How does that happen???  Kinda like this…I was focused.  Focused on what I wanted. I was the boss of me.  He was a welcomed distraction but not enough of a distraction for me to realize all the moments he was an afterthought or a fill-in-the blank.  Now I am not giving him a pass and I do not promote cheating.  What I am saying is that I totally missed the process of changing from the object of his affection to the second place chick.

The story went something like this…we met under somewhat strange circumstances and we became almost inseparable.  In the beginning we talked all day, everyday, even while we were at work(shout out to Bluetooth technology) and then we talked until we went to sleep at night.  We also saw each other several times a week, at different time intervals.

At some point, I guess he grew tired of my unavailability/unwillingness to be who he needed and began to fill-in-the blank.  To be honest, I am certain that she was in the picture all along and I was quite possibly the fill-in-the blank BUT this is a tale about balance, not resolving the question of why he had the desire for two women.

So, back to my point…One night while we were together, he excused himself to answer a call.  He did not walk away or try to hide the fact that a female was calling.  When he hung up, I told him that was disrespectful or something to that effect.  He clearly responded that “if I was on my job, he would not be answering the phone.”

After this incident, I began to pull away from him and seek I wanted in my life(remember I am the boss of me).  I remember him questioning me about the distance and of course my answer was that I was busy.  Eventually, I told him that I started a new relationship and he confessed that he realized that he was in love with me.  The problem was that we had both run out of time.  There was nothing that he could say to repair our situationship, I did not trust him anymore. The good news is that we both went on to live our happily ever after eventually.

You see in life we put so many things before ourselves and our relationships all under the goal of looking out for ourselves( see how that does not add up).  Often times we think that we can push things to the side while we work our plan but we cannot control time nor add time when it is lost.  In order to achieve what we really want and need in life, we must find balance.  We have to be wives to OUR husbands, mothers to our children, girlfriends to OUR boyfriends, a friend to our friends and fulfill our positions at work,  all at the same time. All these roles require our attention and a certain level of devotion.  I believe that this is achieved when we prioritize our roles.  Ask yourself what is really important and adjust accordingly.

From December , 2016…

After recently attending a Jodeci concert, I was left with a longing for REAL music.  You know the kind that takes you back to your own life experiences.  Some were good and some were not so good but they added depth to your life.  The songs make you smile, laugh, and cry all at once.  You learned the lyrics (or your adaptation) because you spent hours upon hours feeling the songs.  See, this type of music had its own character, it became a part of you, your story, your evolution.

These days it is difficult to find anything on the radio that has meaning or character.  Long gone are the days of talent being required to step into the studio.  With the current trends, all an artist has to do is look the part.

What do I mean by look the part?  I am glad that you asked…looking the part consist of whatever fad that is currently in rotation.  The problem with these look-a likes is that they do not give us quality music.  Instead we end up with catchy tunes that we only remember because the radio plays the same songs every 15 minutes.

Examples?  I am glad that you asked…this one singer/rapper.  Now before you send your killers after me follow me for a moment.  While I believe that many of his lyrics are…hmmmm…well…they…who am I kidding, I cannot tell a lie.  ALL of his songs sound exactly alike to my ears.  “He’s flying somewhere with his homies to pick up strippers. Oh and he started from humble beginnings.”  Now to his credit, I have been advised to listen to his music that does not play on the radio.  Well of course I still have not heard this music that they speak of because nothing on the radio has made me want to take a closer look.  My question is this…if he has better music, why don’t I hear this music on the radio????  Because good content is no longer a desired, duh!!!

Music is being offered to us like .01 candy at a parade.  It is a cheap alternative to the real deal.  I want that ole thang back 😦

Picture it…Cape Canaveral, Florida, October 17, 2016…

This is a day that I will never forget because on this day, I cried. It’s not like I shed a few tears to wipe away the pain, I sobbed for hours, uncontrollably.  I wailed, my body shook, I snorted, and had to use my albuterol inhaler to catch my breath.  I think this picture is vivid now…

The truth is that I have shed tears before.  Crying is something that I actually feel is normal and healthy. BUT…on this day, I cried like never before.

You see this day was a day that I had planned for weeks in advance.  This day was supposed to be special and in the blink of an eye, the day was completely off schedule and out of my control.

The next day, as I reflected on the events that transpired on October 17, 2016, I could not understand why I cried so much.  I replayed every moment over and over in my head, trying to figure out why I was so hurt and why I could not stop crying. I have had disappointments, I have been hurt, and I have experienced loss but these tears were different.

Then suddenly I realized, this cry was a culmination of many events.  None of which happened on October 17, 2016.

I cried because of years of pain and frustration over things that I felt I had long mourned. These tears had been building up for over a decade and on this day, they all came flooding out.

I cried because I planned out my life when I was 8 and nothing turned out the way I planned.

I cried because I feel my career hasn’t begun.

I cried because my son’s father was chased down and murdered like an animal and I can’t take the pain away from my son.

I cried because I couldn’t answer my son when he asked why did the man have to kill his father.

I cried because I’ve made so many sacrifices in life.

I cried for every disappointment that I had to regroup from.

I cried for every dream delayed.

I cried because at that moment, I realized that I’ve held “it” together for so long.

It was painful, it was agonizing, it was NECESSARY and REFRESHING!!!

Those tears freed me in a way that I did not know that I needed and in that moment the weight of the world fell from my shoulders.

I, like many others in the world have celebrity family members (in my head 😉). While it is true that these people are not biologically related to me nor do they know me, over the years they have shared so much of their lives(even when they did not want to), that we have become family.

So…I did not watch the Whitney movie because as strange as it may sound to you, I do not want to see her story told again.  Throughout the years so much of her life has been in the public eye, so what else is there to uncover?  We have heard several variations of her life story and many “insiders” have given detailed accounts of what it was to be Whitney Houston. I sat through her entire funeral service and mourned her death along with millions of others.  Therefore, I am satisfied with remembering the amazing, God-given talent that was gifted to the world through Auntie Whitney and would like for her to rest in peace.

When the video was released for “I Look to You”, I saw the Whitney that we all grew to love in the beginning.  The classy songstress that took us on emotional roller coasters through her music.  The melodies that reminded us of what it feels like to be alive and the lyrics that showed us that there is a song for every situation.  But, I also saw a woman who had been tried by a firing squad and hung out dry.  In her beauty you could see the hope for better days (I look to you) while the strain of critics left her surrendering (after giving it my all).  Society has a strange way of worshiping celebrities one day and condemning them to death the very next day.  But wait that story sounds very familiar doesn’t it…they did it to Jesus, right?  I guess history really does repeat itself.

Chorus for Today: “As I lay me down. Heaven hear me now. I’m lost without a cause. After giving it my all. Winter storms have come. And darkened my sun. After all that I’ve been through. Who on earth can I turn to?~ I look to you

Butterfly: Lord, why did you make me like this?

God: I created you to show the world that no matter how or where you start in life, your destiny is always greater.

Butterfly: But how? When I hatched, I was a small caterpillar, useless to others and unattractive.  I had to crawl everywhere, it took so long to get to different places.

God: I made you crawl so that you would understand life from the lowest point. By crawling you also had time to avoid dangers and traps that were awaiting ahead.  I made you small so that you would understand that your size was sufficient to achieve My purpose for your life.  Although you thought that you were unattractive, I created you to blend in with the elements for your protection.  You see Butterfly, I designed you for a specific purpose and everything about you contributed to you flying into your destiny.

Butterfly: But God, I had to consume myself and you hid me in a cocoon.

God: I know Butterfly, that was also in My plan.  You see in order for you to become who I wanted you to be, you had to give up who you thought you were supposed to be.  You had to consume yourself so that the things inside of you that were not in line with My will for your life would cease to exist.  Essentially, you had to die to be reborn a new creature.  I hid you so that you could develop.  I had to shield you from attacks so that you could transform without the weight (influences) of the outside world. I did all these things so that your transformation would show the world who I am.  Your transformation will encourage others to put their trust in Me.

Butterfly: So, you mean to tell me that You did all of this on purpose?  You care that much for me that you anticipated my needs and designed me to overcome the world.  God, why do you love me so much?  I have complained about my life and the things that I had to go through.  I have asked “God why me”, more times than I should have and I do not always follow your directions.

God: I love you so much because I created you in My image.  You are my child and I knew before you were created that you would complain about your life.  I knew that you would not understand the process but I also knew that your foundation was built on a rock and that rock would be your anchor. I knew that when times got hard, you would remember where you came from and appreciate where you are now.  I knew that your rebirth was going to be worth the struggles you faced in the beginning of your life.  My child, I gave you wings so that you could soar above adversity. I made you beautiful to others to show that everything I created is beauty.  Understand that everything I do is with purpose and there is purpose in your process.

Just like a butterfly, we are born to eventually transform into a new creature. He equips us with everything that we will need for this transformation and send us on our way to live our lives.  He has already determined who will be trusted to birth us, raise us, and stand by our sides throughout life.  God has seen every struggle, stumbling block, and attack that will come against our lives and He has made preparation in advance to get us through these times.  Trust God, He will never fail you. }i{ }i{ }i{

Often times after a “what now” experience, we are left in many shattered pieces.  These shattered pieces represent our delayed dreams, heartbreak, baggage from relationships, lost momentum, etc.  You may feel confused or hopeless when looking at all these pieces and wonder how you will move past this. These feelings are natural because when your world has been turned upside down, it is difficult to land on your feet.

BUT…there is good news on the other side of a “what now” experience. This time is a refining period and during your refining period, there will be twists, turns, and stretching.  Just like gold, refining will remove the impurities from your life and result in a new(better) version of you.

Sooo…here’s the secret…Simply, “Quit cursing the process! You cannot choose the path that God decides to take you to get you to your destiny! Hold on and TRUST the ride!” ~Tera C. Hodges

This statement is so powerful!  When we accept that God’s ways are far better than our own, we experience peace, the peace that passes all understanding.

Chorus for Today: “You, know, sometimes in life, situations are going to occur where you may look to the left or the right and you can’t find any answers and you can’t find anybody to help you. “BUT, I’m reminded of the Word that says they that wait upon the Lord, He shall renew their strength. They shall mount up on wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary. They shall walk and not faint. Come on. You’ve got to learn how to wait.~I Don’t Mind Waiting

People search for that one special person that they can share their dreams with. Some make a list of characteristics, personality traits, physical attributes, etc. that they find appealing in an effort to find the perfect mate.  BUT one question that is seldom asked is, “How does this person handle conflict?”

“Every couple disagrees, but there are healthy and unhealthy ways to argue.”~Jessica Orwig

Communication is an essential part of any healthy relationship.  As children, we are taught to verbalize our thoughts and desires so that others know what we need or require.  However, as adults, this is often a difficult task.

“The silent treatment may be a common response to conflict in relationships, but it is also one of the most destructive” ~Jessica Orwig

You see no one enters into a relationship to feel alone.  When you give your partner the silent treatment, you are conveying to the person that you love, that they are not worthy of your thoughts.  You are telling them (through silence) that you do not trust them to meet your needs.  You have told them (by rejection) that they cannot handle/comprehend your feelings. 

“The more polarized the partners become, the more difficult it is for them to stop engaging in the behaviors,” ~Paul Schrodt

Relationships are built on connections and the silent treatment rips that connection apart slowly and painfully.  Disagreements are not the end of your relationship, silence is.

BUT THERE’S HOPE…This is the result of a lapse in communication on both sides so, be careful not to place blame.  As simple as it may sound, talk it out.  Take small steps, decrease the cool down period and increase the will to listen without judgment.  Relationships are work but the reward is worth it.